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Just ‘Cause I’m Pregnant Doesn’t Mean I Won’t Punch You in the Face

Jack from Missouri (the “Show Me” State) … A Teacher’s Journal.

Once in a very great while, if you are lucky enough, you might hear a phrase, a sentence, a fragment of conversation, that perfectly captures the cultural “zeitgeist.” Last week I was walking down a crowded high school hallway when my moment came. Two girls were talking and I happened to overhear a snippet of what they were saying:

“Just ‘cause I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I won’t punch her in the face.”

They were fairly typical girls—one was pregnant and the other was also about fifteen. I don’t know at whom the pregnant girl was directing her ire. In my experience as a high school teacher, I know that similar outbursts can arise from almost any trigger. The word “’ho” flung carelessly into the wind. A pencil lost from a notebook and presumed viciously stolen. Whatever the reason, some bitch is going to pay.

I was struck by the poetry, the exquisite pathos, of the sentiment. Yes, I am pregnant, she averred, and yet I will punch you in the face in spite of the risks to my unborn child. I will punch you in the face not because I am pregnant—not even in spite of my pregnancy—but solely because my duty to myself as a human being demands that a bitch be punched in the face.

Who knows? Perhaps one day that brave statement may inspire a whole generation of girls to embrace a new understanding of their womanhood, their humanity, in this our modern era. Indeed, as we search for those expressions that come to symbolize the hopes, aspirations, and dreams of a particular age, perhaps this pithy phrase—uttered so innocently, so unselfconsciously—may one day be regarded as the signpost that directed our eyes to our cultural future.

My name is Jack, and I’m a teacher in a small town in Missouri—the “Show Me” state….

Donald Gallinger is author of the novel The Master Planets

Clever Russians Steal Bag Boy Jobs!

Jack from Missouri (the “Show Me” State) … A Teacher’s Journal.

Emerald City High is located in an area where the economy is seasonal. Over the last several years, many businesses have been hiring kids from Eastern bloc countries to work summer jobs. This has put a great deal of pressure upon our local youth, who now must compete for work that they used to take for granted.

Just the other day, two of my best students, Star Winthrop and McKinley McCallister, rushed over to my café table in tears. It was early summer and I was enjoying my mocha latte and raspberry scone while studying the No Child Left Behind laws.

“Why, what’s the matter, Star?” I asked, concerned. “And you, McKinley, why the long, sad face?”

“The R-R-R-Russians!” sobbed Star. “They stole our bagger jobs!”

“That’s right,” McKinley said. “And Mr. Larsen, we’re, like, born in the U.S.A. We pay taxes and shit.”

“This is terrible,” I said. “Have you spoken to the manager about it?”

Star appeared to choke, sob, and gasp in a gurgling medley of grief. “We did,” she finally said, “but

Feeling the Love

Jack from Missouri (the “Show Me” State) … A Teacher’s Journal.

I like teaching high school because of the stimulating exchange of ideas. For example, a freshman girl once entered my room and, using a rather creative comparison, announced: “This place smells worse than my crotch!” She didn’t say anything more on the subject, but the inference was clear: Her crotch was a fairly
uninhabitable place.

Several months ago a few boys in my senior class offered this provocative bit of news on recent medical research. They had heard, from reputable sources who were stocking shelves at the local supermarket, that there were significant advances being made in a cure for breast cancer. Apparently, said the excited boys, you could really reduce a woman’s chances of ever getting breast cancer if you “socked her in
the boob.”

April 20 is a new holiday for high school students across the country, or so I’ve been

The Tampon That Changed My Life

Jack from Missouri (the “Show Me” State) … A Teacher’s Journal.

I remember that day so clearly. I was still a young man then—not much over forty, as they say in the AARP youth brochures. I had been teaching at Emerald City High for at least fifteen years.

I was writing subject-verb agreement sentences on the blackboard and I wanted to proceed slowly and with great care. This particular class was somewhat resistant to instruction. One student had recently bitten a classmate in her biology class (her counselor told me that she had “personal space” issues). Another student was struggling to fart on command, while another was sucking her thumb. They were all part of a college prep program. As we say at Emerald City High, college prep means that you have no definite plans for going to jail….

“Does anyone know which subject you would choose to figure out the verb form?” I had written an example sentence on the board: "Either four cars or a bus (is, are) needed to take the Y group up to Devil’s Lake.” I was about to underline the word “bus” when it happened. Across my shoulder floated the white cylindrical shape; a ghostly missile fired near my head. It hit the verb “is” on the board with a soft “pfft” sound. Then it fell.

I stared at the thing as it lay at my feet.

Jack from Missouri (the “Show Me” State) … A Teacher’s Journal.

Ferst, I dont like Anny Careena by this Tolstoy guy. I think it sucks the big harey root. Mr. Larsen made us do a revuw of a book so I’m doing it but that doesnt mean I like the book. I dont like reeding. It hurts my head.

All these people have wierd names. There parents must have been retarded or something to give them names like “Stupavitch” or what ever. Also what’s a czar? How do you even say czar? Is it like sissors? Or is it like cars? Why can’t these people spell? I dont know. I dont really care. I dont understand any of these people or why its snowing all the time. Do they live in Minesota? I new a girl once who came from Minnasota. She was a skank. I think Anny is a skank too. Or should I say “czank,” hah. (146 words)

Anny is married to this old dude. I think he needs Vyagra because hes old and mean. They didn’t have Vyagra I guess in the 70s. Anny is pretty horny and

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